I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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