I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Randomize
