you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
even my farts smell like vagina
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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