im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
