You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Randomize
