He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
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