everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
