Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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