in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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