i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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