I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
