just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
