OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize