I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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