I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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