the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
