I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
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