i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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