this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
