Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Randomize
