i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize