I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
