my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
