You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Randomize
