That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
