I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Life without a bra equals bliss.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
