i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
We are all done wearing pants today
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
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