there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
