I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
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