tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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