youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Randomize