My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
