Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
