They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
