I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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