Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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