Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize