nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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