ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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