I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
okay pat passed out under dana's car
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
