I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
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