My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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