he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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