I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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