are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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