I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
