I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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