Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
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