Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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