do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
It's rum buckets o'clock
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
