i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
