I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
