I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
