Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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