I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
