Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Randomize
