there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
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