apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Randomize
