This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize
