I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize