He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
