Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
