i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize