So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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