One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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